a nice weekend

After spending a lot of time unsure of why I was in this relationship- I mean I know how much I love Josh but he isn't one to convey his feelings verbally and assumes much is implied- we talked or I talked for a long time about the things I need from him and he listened. When he finally spoke again he knocked the breath out of me saying that when he gets back from Iraq he has all intentions of starting a family with me and going back to school to finish his degree. After that discussion we talked about where a wedding would take place and there we disagree. He wants North Dakota where he is from and I want New Hampshire. I think it should be up to the bride but I think I may be able to convince him to bring out his immediate family and close friends for like a week of vacation here and then the wedding here and we could have a reception of sorts back in North Dakota when I get there. I just really want my dad to walk be down the aisle and I want one chance to see all my loved ones before I move so far away from them all. Let me know if you think this is a good compromise on my part. I need the advice myself right now....

so about my voice

in case you couldn't tell me and the voice, Josh are together now. Last Summer over the phone I knew I was falling in love with this guy and like a coward I stopped talking to him...I just wasn't strong enough for a long distance relationship nor did I know what he felt about me. So we stopped talking although I did email him a few times in the Fall. We were both busy so it seemed no biggy. But when time slowed down in January I realized I missed him. His voice and the way he made me laugh and feel special. I needed him. So I called my cousin.... Josh was in the room, I could here his voice in the background and I almost cried. Daniel passed the phone over and Josh surprisingly said he couldn't believe it took me so long. He left and got his own phone and we talked all night. and again the next night, and the next, and the next. After a week of that I finally admitted that I had wanted him for months but I was scared of that. He laughed this cute scoff at me and somehow in that conversation we decided to give it a try. We haven't spent all night on the phone since then because his life with the ARMY has been work work work. He flew me out in March so we could see each other in person and not just online and over the phone. It was the best 8 days of my life. Then his platoon left for a month to the desert for training but we talked almost everyday and I felt like I got closer to him in that time than I had ever before. In May he came here for my birthday. Another great 10 days but while he was here he got a phone call saying he had received his orders and the platoon would leave soon for Iraq. He left and we talked even less leading me to do the psycho needy girlfriend thing calling him to talk about where I stood in his life...I was lonely. So in July I flew back out just for a weekend. Just to see him, to feel him. and now its August. It hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies, in fact I've come close to giving up but something about him makes me want to be my best me. His voice makes me melt and his laugh makes me giggle. His touch...well.....I hate being away from him. I can't wait for deployment to come and go and for him to be discharged and then maybe he can be all mine for a little bit. In the 7 months we have been together we have talked about living together in his home state when he is all done and we even discussed ages of marriage and kids. Little does he know, I would marry him before he leaves. Not for his benefits or any of that. I don't want any of the perks. I just want to know that part of him is mine, that I will always have him, that I have a tangible commitment that will make our deployment just a little bit easier to get through....we'll see. from now on this blog will be a journal, not just of my relationship but also on my cousin who is a mystery with all his girls/drama and my best friend and her now ex-husband trying to get back together.......we shall see. any one in a military relationship will know exactly what I mean and those who aren't will still know how hard love is in all of it's forms.

The Pre-wedding Parties

In their fights to control each other Anderson and Mandy had put down rules about their parties te night before the wedding. There were to be no strippers, no getting too drunk, no dancing with the opposite sex, etc. Well, Anderson's party was at a bar/strip club/bowling alley- all in one building. Us girls headed to the biggest bar in town and got a little beyond drunk. Smashed is a good way to phrase it. With an open tab and strangers/friends from high school sending drink after drink it didn't take long before all the girls were tipsy. Mandy and Anderson maintained contact all night and when Mandy found out where the boys were she was livid....

We all got back to the hotel around 12:30am, an early night considering. The confrontation left everone dumbfounded at how two angry people with a clear lack of trust would be exchanging vows the next day. Mandy screamed at Anderson and Anderson walked away from her with out a single word. We all went to bed confused that night and the next day Mandy and I in a horrible hungover state began to prepare for the wedding with her still not sure it was even going to happen.

Well, it did happen. The ceremony went down just fine and everyone headed to the reception where Anderson's bitchy mom created so much drama the bride and her mother were in tears outside trying to calm down. It was all stupid and I don't really know the details. So, Anderson and Mandy were married. She had to finish one semester of college and then in December she would head West to the base where Anderson would have the house all set up for them.

Less than a month later Mandy calls me in tears muttering something about he cheated on me before we were married and again after the honeymoon...Daniel was right. the ass cheated on the most wonderful woman ever and then admitted it like it was no big deal. His mother and told Mandy to get over it and stick to the vows. mandy tried and come December she packed up everything and moved. It was evident to her that she couldn't forgiv him and he was hardly even talking to her. After a horrible christmas and awkward sleepless nights she left him. She came back home and filed for divorce.

The divorce is final now but the two of them are trying to work their isses out because Anderson has begun counseling for his PTSD and is trying to be the man he should have benlong ago. I'm not judging because it is not my place. I'll be there for Mandy if she needs a Maid of Honor or a shoulder to cry on. I've had my share of crappy relationships so I try not to get involved in others. So, That is the beginning of Mandy....but what about me?

one phone call leads to another...

So, I left you with the very beginnings of two very different budding relationships. I will continue with Mandy* and Anderson*. They met and sparks flew to say the least. It wasn't long after that first visit that Anderson flew to New England for the holidays. In between though, this couple had trust issues to the hilt. It was always a crying phone call in the middle of the night to me. "Jay, what should I do?" always the same question. At the time I was several months from knowing James and with a cynical attitude toward the whole long distance relationship thing, I would say dump him. There is no trust after a couple of months, how will it last? Well she ignored me as I assumed she would.
Is it just me or is a girl in love, deaf, blind, stupid, and mute? I think we are most of the time unless we realize early on what we need or want from the other person. Mandy and Anderson maintained a strained relationship where rules were constantly being set. Neither could go out on the weekends and they always found new reasons why a phone call should be made before any decision including going out to dinner with friends to going to bed and waking up. It was obsessive and to say the least the furthest thing from the kind of relationship I wanted.

It was May, my birthday and Anderson was in town visiting. Despite all the fights and issues, just a few short months after meeting, the guy pops the question and Mandy says yes. I was happy for her because she was happy but the trust issues were still very much there. Enter Daniel. Daniel and Mandy had stopped talking immediately after the proposal when my cousin tried to tell Mandy that Anderson had cheated on her several times including actual dates and names of girls. Mandy(blind) went ahead planning for a wedding to be in August so that when she graduated in December from New England School she could just move to the base and they could start their lives. It was in this Summer that I "met" my voice. Jason knew Anderson and didn't think very highly of him. I tried talking to Mandy about whether or not this wedding was going to work and if it was worth a lifetime of doubting fidelity and constantly having to keep tabs. She seemed so sure that I went along and in August a wedding did go down.....

The night before had left entire bridal party wondering if either betrothed would be waiting at the altar the next day....

In the Beginning

There are many stories about Soldiers and their wives/girlfriends/whores/whatevers, mine...well lets just say I am immersed from the outside with a culture I never wanted to be a part of. EVER. My best friend is my cousin. He is a soldier in the Army based out West. My other best friend is an amazing woman based in New England at College. To say that long distance relationships don't work is a stupid thing that only people who haven't tried or those to lazy/needy to deal with the distance. The first entry is the beginning of a whirlwind love story of a 19 year old girl and her same aged Army soul mate.....

Daniel* went off to the Army in 2006 where he met Private Anderson*. They quickly became good friends connecting on things like video games, mudding, jeeps, and of course being horny and in need of companionship with someone outside who can release them from the routine of military life. Someone to keep them grounded. My cousin Daniel graduated high school with me and my greatest girlfriend, Mandy. Apparently he decided his new friend Anderson would get along so well with my girl, Mandy...so he talked each one up to the other and eventually got their numbers exchanged. The first night Anderson called the two talked for hours effortlessly, having never seen each other and only knowing the others voice they knew this was not going to be just a phone call. This was going to change their lives. Better for worse is your own call on that one. This phone call was followed by many more and just a couple of short months later, Mandy was flying West to meet the man she was falling for. Everything she had hoped for, he was tall, dark, and handsome. They got along as if it wasn't the first time meeting, like this was as natural as being your bestfriend from grade school. She was smitten by his smooth, velvety rugged voice, and his penetrating chocolate brown eyes that seemed to see her for who she was and expecting nothing more from her.

The appeal of a relationship with someone far away is that each is free from the expectations that those back home who have been with them forever have made. Its as if you can finally be who you are with no restraints. No fears of rejection...you lived with out this person before and you can do it again mentality that quickly fails when you lay eyes on "the voice". I too, fell victim to a voice that was introduced to me one year after Mandy and Anderson "met" over the phone. My cousin recognized my own failing relationships here in New England and had yet another friend he deemed perfect for me. Needless to say he didn't strike fairytale gold on that one. A southerner with much discontent for the North. Myself being of the North and damn proud, not to mention my having moved on from the South's disappointing loss in the civil war didn't take to this guy at all. But then, Daniel had a genius idea and gave me the link to a profile of another guy he knew though not as well who I might like. After looking at his non-private profile I knew I would be in trouble quick with this Snowboarding, fishing, hunting, Computer-nerd turned gear head from North Dakota. My Cousin set it all up and one night I got a phone call, long after I had gone to bed (there is a 2 hour time difference between New England and the base). I was hardly awake when I answered and heard a strange voice that I was quick to yell at for waking me and hung up. It rang again and all I heard was a pleading sorry and don't hang up speech from this amazing, deep, almost quiet but completely sexy voice, I couldn't speak for a moment and finally asked who did he think he was to call so late when I had to be up in a few hours for work...He was Jason. The Profile. I woke right up and he shyly began telling me he didn't think he should call but my cousin was standing over him and dialed the number before shoving the phone to his ear.

I was so intrigued by his shy demeanor, I had only dated cocky assholes who would sooner knock me over before apologizing for anything. I listened and asked him questions about life out there and the mutual "friend" or rather the first guy Daniel had me talk to and my cousin himself. Seems he has changed a lot out there. Before I knew it the alarm on my cell phone was beeping and I had to head to work...I was still contentedly on the phone with Jason 5 hours later. I reluctantly got off the phone and headed to work where I received my text to have a great day and hope we talk again....

next blog coming tomorrow.